And now for a real post ...

So I've basically been ignoring/actively avoiding all writing-related activities for the past month. I do feel bad about not yet having summoned up the energy to keep up in Writing Jam, but there's not much I can do about it while I'm feeling this burnt out.

I've been spending all of my time on roleplay, basically. It feels like I'm on vacation, writing-wise, and it's been slowly rejuvenating my pool of inspiration. Part of it is probably because two of my favorite external muses are back again, and their energy is contagious. ;) But more than that, it's just lower stress overall when I'm writing a paragraph at a time without having to think too much about whether it will sell later on. I can say to myself "if they don't like it, too bad, because this is the way it is." It's incredibly freeing. ;) Also, there's more of an instant gratification when the post goes up and is done, and people can see it and respond to it immediately. (In practice this is normally just the people who are in the same scene with me, and the feedback is almost never direct; but how well they respond to my posts tells me quite a lot. ;) )

As for writing itself, I seem to be in extended rumination mode. I was stuck for the longest time on the fact that Thomas just wasn't cooperating with anything I tried to do. And I was starting to feel more and more detached from all of Fortress Launne. It seemed increasingly unrealistic and stupid the more I thought about it.

Then a few days ago I was whining about all this to some people in SFFMuse's chat channel, and one of them said "kill him then. If he's so pointless, he doesn't deserve to live."

Okay so that pissed me off. :p Because if that's the case I might as well just give up on the whole series. And it wasn't very helpful either because I'm already teetering on the edge of doing exactly that.

But then a bit later on he added, "Take him out of the picture and look at the hole. If he's important, someone will have to go find him." Well, that did get me thinking. Way back when I first came up with the character in 2002, there were some extremely ... primitive? ... attempts to write his story. My thought at the time was to have Janis discover him in the swamps. However, the plan was to tell it from Thomas's point of view, starting at the point where Janis finds him. She was a secondary character who would be there mainly to ask him lots of questions so that he would tell it.

Now I'm revisiting this original idea, four years later, and I've realized something. The opening scene from before should be somewhere near the end, not the beginning. And it should be a story almost entirely through Janis's eyes.

And when I realized that, the whole world came crashing in again. The life of Janis beforehand, arguments with her mother about the old ways, her confusing and vivid dreams about the guardian cougar, her grandmother's upcoming 80th birthday which will take place on the old lands. The elders telling her about her heritage, and her vow to restore the traditions and the natural balance between the land and spirits, and the new outlander ways. All of it. Leading up to her personal quest into the swamps to find the mythical medicine man that seems to be so pivotal in the tribal history and her own past. Suddenly all of it became real to me again.

It's ironic that I've gone full circle around back to my original idea, and not only that, all the scattered worldbuilding ruminations this past summer were for that idea. And I have to tell this story first, before anything else in the series can make sense. Because this one is what Taint really is.

So it's a slow-moving epiphany I'm having. I'm not quite ready to write it yet, as I'll need to do some more solid outlining, but it's my new plan for November.

The other half of it came from the roleplaying in What is it to be Human? The GM of that game, Line, plays the Master of the City, Hernando. Well, in the past month of play, we've finally uncovered enough of the plot for me to realize that the main story being told is Hernando's. One of extremely painful loss, and his fall from power. All the time up to this point, he's been a mildly intriguing, mildly annoying character that directed things in the background to bring the various PCs together. All of the game scenes have focused on said PCs as they react to his directions. Then, suddenly, two scenes surfaced which showed us what's happened to him, why he's doing what he's doing, and how he feels about it. And the way it's revealed just hooks the reader right in and doesn't let go.

So none of the main characters of the story are the actual protagonist after all. On the one hand, this makes me feel a bit irrelevant. On the other hand, it's a great story and I'm glad to have been able to see it and help bring it about. And I'm taking notes on how exactly Line did pull it off, as the execution was very well done.

That's where I am. Still ruminating. Still working out backstory details, and pondering methods of execution. Not really much motivated to do any actual writing. Not yet, anyway. But I think I'm getting closer.